No one has had only joys. We all face problems. Some can be anticipated, and others appear unprepared. For some, we can have a contingency plan, while for others only acceptance and the passing of time can represent a solution. It can be tragic things, like losing a loved one, ending a relationship, or not fulfilling a dream. When we face such problems, we should ask ourselves: "What do we do next?".

Before the appearance of problems, we are used to a certain lifestyle, certain habits, and needs.

Once these tragic events occur, this lifestyle endures forced, unwanted changes. Once they happen, these changes turn our lives upside down and we don't know how we can get back to our previous way of living.

RESILIENCE^[1]
noun – the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
"the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"

By definition we understand that resilience is the ability to overcome certain suffering. Adam Grant says that: "a person's level of resilience is not fixed". Therefore, in such situations, instead of questioning our ability to be resilient, we would rather ask ourselves: "How can I become resilient?". This question helps us develop our reaction speed when we face problems.

Being more resilient doesn't mean that hope will always win out over pain. Nor will it make any type of pain or loss or any type of difficulty go away. There is no right way to suffer or overcome life's challenges. If you are looking for the right solution, know that there are no right solutions or the right ways to solve our problems.

Being more resilient means accepting the pain, listening to it, embracing it, and letting it take its natural course. You can look for different ways to end the state of suffering or sadness. Metaphorically speaking, you can lock it in an imaginary chest with a lock and throw it into the ocean, but that means you haven't gotten over that suffering, you've just ignored it, drowning it.

Through his research, Adam Grant observed that: "after six months, more than half of those who lose a life partner go beyond what psychologists classify as acute grief"^[2]. We understand from this that although severe pain cannot be avoided, there are still certain decisions we can make to reduce the suffering.

You can experience post-traumatic personal growth after experiencing those events that generated sadness or suffering. This growth results from the action of resilience. But you can acquire this personal growth and pre-trauma. You can grow without even having experienced that trauma. It is enough to live it in your mind, for yourself to react.

The pain of suffering, of being sad, is very much like fear. We are usually afraid when we cannot visualize what will happen in the future. It is one of the many fears we have to save ourselves from danger. It is perfectly normal for this to happen. This fear, pain, suffering, and sadness are the normal ways things happen.

In such moments we can make decisions even if we are completely knocked down. Wanting to stay in bed all day and hide from the rest of the world is a normal way to go. If you do it once, or twice, it's normal. We all have moments like this, whether we're going through a tough time or we're in a really good mood. But if this behavior continues, it becomes a habit. In this case, you should rather ask yourself if you want this habit in your life. Only you have the power to change this behavior. You can change it gradually. There is no need to assume that certain events did not happen. They happened, that's the reality. You have to accept reality and rebuild yourself. After a hotel from the '70s burns down^[3], it cannot be rebuilt the same. It may at most be similar, but never like before, and it's perfectly normal. In its reconstruction, the architects and owners will take into account the shortcomings of the old hotel and fix them in the design of the new one. At the same time, most likely, they will also bring a dose of modernism so that future tenants can have at least decent conditions. They will build a much stronger foundation. And they will make sure that the new electrical installation is very well done. That doesn't guarantee that it won't burn again at some point. They are rebuilding this hotel, hoping that in the future the new hotel will be the old one again, but this time it will be even stronger. This is exactly how you should rebuild yourself: with pain, experiencing it and understanding it, with confidence that you can get through it, with a desire to rebuild, with the hope that you will become stronger. This reconstruction, as with the hotel, can take months or even years. It's perfectly normal.

As you rebuild, you will also encounter people who will try to take advantage. That's human nature, unfortunately. Some people want to help, some people don't want to get involved, and some selfish people only want their personal growth and then they will help you or hinder you depending on the income contribution you will bring their person. My advice is to know who you are and know yourself. Have a recovery plan. And this book will help you have one.

Once you meet these people you will have to understand what assertiveness is. To be assertive, I think it is very important to have the ability to be resilient. That is why I would advise you not to move on to the next content, which talks about assertiveness if you do not at least understand what resilience is and how you can acquire it.

Footnotes

1. Resilience definition as stated in Google Definitions from Oxford Languages
2. Adam Grant's findings can be found in the book "Option B", co-written with Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook.
3. American Hotel from Cerro Gordo Ghost Town was destroyed in a fire on its 149th anniversary, and its owner fought to rebuild it. Check the story on YouTube: Fire In A Ghost Town: Rebuilding the American Hotel at Cerro Gordo in 2020 and Rebuilding The American Hotel Continues, Finally! in 2022 and the full story on Insider: A hotel in an old Wild West ghost town burned down 149 years to the day that it opened